Friday

Baby Bird Leaves The Nest. Can She Fly?

I don't know how to even start this post.
This is the deal.
Mark and I are in love.
It was in the works for awhile, though there have been times where I've hated him.
While I've been busy being enamoured, I have felt at times I have not given Teacher my all.
While I have not been giving Teacher my all, he has been extremely busy with his work.
The entire time he has said, "Go X, have fun."
So I did. But it got to be where I was always talking to Teacher like he was my girlfriend, asking him advice about Mark all the time. He said it was no biggie, but it kind of made me feel guilty.
Our sex life started to dwindle a bit due to all the logistics involve, and I started to feel shitty about posting just about me fucking Mark, and how I have been having some of the most incredible sex.
So when Mark uttered the "L-bomb" on me the other night, and professed his desire for us to be an official item, my immediate reaction was to think "What about Teacher?"
Mark has known about Teacher, but not so much. I have always let it be known that Teacher is very important person in my life.
I didn't tell Mark my concern, but as I am wont to do, I just stewed in it and made myself very upset. I arranged to speak with Teacher last night.
Hysterical I was, crying and blubbering. Teacher laughed, "X, I will always be in your life."
"You will..."
"Yes."
"I knew this was coming, and in fact, I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner."
"You did? How?"
He mentioned a post of mine, but I am not sure exactly which one.
"I want you to do this. You NEED to do this X. I think know how it is going to end up, but you never want to look back on your life and regret that you never gave something a chance."
See Teacher knows all of Marks bullshit. I am handing over my heart, in a way, to a madman, but a wonderfully brilliant, funny madman and I can't help that I am in love. It has been a very long time since I've felt this. I do love Teacher, I do, it is a different love though and that is why I felt so bad even bringing it up with him.
"You're not offended"
"No"
"Why? I would be mad if someone told me that they don't love me in a way they love another."
"Don't be ridiculous."
I cried and cried and cried and I held on to him and still, even as he reminded me over and over that he was not going to disappear from my life I was scared he would.
"What if Mark doesn't want me to see you."
"We're just friends X. I'd love to meet him."
"No, not yet. Maybe you can talk to him though."
See while I went forth with this experiment in to Polyamoury thinking it was for me, I think it is unfair to do a half-assed job of it. No matter how cool either party said they were, I couldn't shake that I was perhaps hurting someone's feelings. Mark and I plan on having a semi-open relationship with conditions I don't want to write about just yet.
"I feel like a baby bird Teacher, a baby bird that has decided to leave the nest before it is ready, struggling with fluttering it's baby wings."
I did.
I do.
The rest of the night was lovely, yet I was not going to rest until I knew from Mark that he would be cool that I continue my friendship with Teacher.
"Absolutely! Don't you think I'm still going to have my girl friends? He means a lot to you X"

One thing about Mark that made me very happy was something he said about BDSM, as I have written he's very kinky, dominant most definitely, but has never deemed himself a Dom.
"I want to do everything you want and need X"
"Only if you want to Mark. It has to be real. It has to be organic."
"It is, I want to do these things for you." He reminded me of prior experiences dating subs. "But I need to know what you need."
"If anything, I need to be spanked. A lot. Not just a slap while we're fucking, but lots of spanking."
"Done."

Another thing that made me very, very upset last night was this blog.

"Teacher, what about the blogggggg." I was crying
"Still do it."
"I can't," it is not fair.
"Yes, you must. What are you going to stop everything you love to do?"
"No"
"But you must not ever tell Mark about it. "
I heartily agreed with that.
"Will you let me write your Valedictorian address."
I laughed, "Yes."

So my readers, this blog is not going to vanish, quite the contrary, while I've thought I've ended my journey, I have realized I've only just begun.

Now where are my Kleenex?

6 comments:

Thursday's Child said...

Aaaaaaaaack, ohmygosh, I was freaking out when I started reading your post, but I'm so glad that everything went well with your Teacher. I'm sooo excited for you and cannot wait to see where this new voyage will take you!

thisgirl said...

good luck hope it works out for you! :) xx

Kinky Aoefe said...

So freaking cool! I'm so glad the blog stays. Wow he IS a wonderful teacher, wish I lived closer I could fill up his dance card. :)

Can't wait to keep on readin on.

aoefe

Robin said...

Boy, skip out on reading blogs for a few weeks, and look what happens :D
Wish you happiness as you take this next step -- and can't wait to read more of your writings, whether here or elsewhere.

robin

MJ's Slave said...

1,000 hugs little Baby Bird!!

Good luck as you spread your wings! Let your heart soar!

slave nik

Naughty Girl said...

It is wonderful that you have both of these men in your life. Each meet a seperate need and it is great that they both respect the fact that you need the other. I hope this all works out for you. And congrats on learning to fly!