For years I've always sworn I would not let the wrongs of others interfere with current relationsips. After all, it isn't the fault of the current sig o that someone else treated you like dogshit.

Easier said than done.

I've been abandoned without communication, stood-up, cheated on, used. Oh, the list of wrongs done to me can go on forever like a stereotypical country song. Shit like this gets ingrained in your soul. I work dillegently to keep up my self esteem, and it is not easy at times. I receive positive feedback from many in my life, and very nice compliments at that. Still, sometimes the now is overshadowed by the past.

Those shitty bastards that hurt little ol' me run the gamut from ex boyfriends, family, and even old bosses. I often come across as a tough chick, but the shell this chick came out of is very fragile.

Why am I writing this? Once again I sit here having totally irrational feelings ie. being insecure. Oh how unttractie is that? I don't like Teacher to see this part of me, and it is easier just to write it out than to get pissy for absolutely nothing. The last thing in the world I want to do is to sabatoge something that is GOOD by being a big baby. I see other women do it all the time, and I do not wish to be other women. It is my hope that my realization of why I have this weakness and it is hold on me that I can ultimately eridicate it's influence on my life.

If only I could lose this luggage in my daily travels, then perhaps I'd be free.

picture by mark ryden


The Masochistic Coquette said...

Oh, GOD do I ever relate... hence the perpetual angst I spew out on my blog so only people who want to read it will ever happen upon it. At one point I told my special fellow if he wanted to end things, for him to be blunt and immediate with it [and knowing him, I'm sure he would be]--this helps a lot when I have gotten insecure about it.

This, and realizing I myself am more clingy and demanding than I like to admit! But that's just me, and from what I can tell here, you and your Teacher have a beautiful thing going.

Btw, love the Ryden artwork. There's actually an icon set of from his work floating around, too, if you like tinkering with such things.

moonheart said...

Hello sub nouveau,
great post. i very much can relate to it. I am in a new D/s relationship, at the very beginning. Because of some nasty experiences before i am insecure, afraid He'll drop me like a hot potatoe. And indeed i know that insecurity isn't attractive at all, so i surpress those insecure feelings hoping He won't notice it.

i like the way you're writing, can i link you?

Sweet greetz, mo