Back To Square One

Two years ago I left "Teacher" aside as I fell head over heels into the most crazy, intense, love affair of all time. So intense, that I found myself:

1. Working in the adult industry, on my own accord, but pretty much supporting both of us. I have learned a lot about various fetishes and kinks the past two years, more than I ever knew.
2. Becoming addicted to opiates. Now mind you, I took them pretty much recreationally, but as they were readily available, I took them enough to become quite a pillhead. Funny how I wanted to numb the pain when I am ultimately a pain slut.
3. We had amazing sex, incredible sex and then those painkillers took hold of our lives and our libidos. Anyone who takes opitates regularly has the sex drive of a snail.  It was a very sore subject, and cause of a lot of fights and tears, but I fucking LOVED him. But often times I'd lay there thinking, "OK, I am in the prime of my life and I'm not getting fucked often enough" He offered to let me go outside the relationship to fuck around, but see, I am fiercely loyal. I couldn't. I didn't.
4. Our BDSM adventures were sporadic, at best. He did it for me, when we did do anything. Also, when it got brought up, we'd be loaded and then realize it wouldn't be a SAFE thing to do.
5. I did continue to write, but freelance.
6. Amongst the chaos was a lot of good times. We were just volitle. We barely scraped by. Barely.
   No car, food stamps. I am staying on a friend's couch right now. It's going to take a lot of hustlin' to get back to where I can work again, live again.....
7. I became so despondant and depressed, I, one who was previously a social butterfly started hiding out.
8. THIS IS THE BIGGIE: I had a failed attempt at sucide. I am glad I failed. But the pain that was inside me, the fear, everything became too much.  I am happy to say I am very much on the road to health, taking care of myself.
9. There is more to this story, but while I still love my EX very much, we finally realized it was important to my mental health for us to break up. A week ago, I couldn't haven't written this much without crying. Now I am feeling glimpses of freedom. Glimpses.

SO, where does this leave this freebird now? I still keep in touch with Teacher, it had been sporadic these past two years. I think partially because he said from day one my life with my EX was doomed. But I had to learn on my own I guess.

I want to learn to take care of myself, but I do, when I get my life sorted out, to find another Dom, one that is in my age range, no offense to Teacher, but I want a Dom who might enjoy the same music and movie as me.

Actually this is what I want:

1. A full time Dom. Is it possible THEY can be my lover, love of my life, husband and
2. A female slave of my own and
3. A male sissy service slave to come do the cleaning.

Dream on? Maybe, maybe not.

Until I really get back into the swing of the lifestyle I might not be posted as often, but I wanted say I am back!!!!