Bloggus Interruptus

Once again various real-time issues have rendered me unable to write a decent blog post. Some have been pleasurable, a lot have not. But life goes on, as does this blog.

On the sub/sex side of things:

1. Teacher has upped my sub ante, as this is a transitional time in my life and I need his guidance more than ever. Our D/s relationship is becoming complex and not as sexually oriented. I am, for instance, to text him every morning when I get up, report my spending to him, have him help me decide what I am to eat. I am also to ask for permission to be with Mark, there is much more but I wish to keep it private. All this sounds pretty benign for a sub, but yours truly had been running amok the past months or so. This has been more painful for me than you can imagine, well at least at first. I am so used to doing what I want, how I want. It has, of course, bit me in the ass for over 30 years and I feel more like a petulant teenager than ever. When Teacher sat me down and reviewed some of my new tasks, I pouted. I fucking felt myself regress. Scary.
It didn't work. This is serious shit.

Teacher has also given me a bucketload of comfort during some tumultous times. I am having to retrain myself to not be so scared about not knowing what to do in certain situations.

2. Mark. Mark, Mark, Mark. We have both been riding the Crazy Train, I hopped off for awhile. In between lots of good sex, was lots and lots of drama. I had been looking for a lover, and well, it got way beyond that, more toxic than ever. We both are very needy people and we glommed on each other like a pair of leeches sucking the life out of one another. Actually, he was sucking the life out of me. As I write, I am giving myself a respite from him. I already miss him. One of my all time favorite songs is Squeeze's "If I didn't love you, I'd hate you." I don't love the guy, but I do like him a lot, I also fucking hate him. He stresses me out, drives me bonkers, never listens, is unpredictable, not mushy, but I guess there is something

3. Through all this I have realized how much I really Love Teacher. I do. I do.