Tuesday

Polywanna What?!

Both the men are saying it to me, but yet I refuse to listen.

Polyamourous.
"X, C'mon what are you..a seriel monogomist?" Mark said to me on the phone tonight.
"Well, I uh,.."
"You're man, you know he's probably got another lady on the side.'
"He does"
"See"
"I just am having a hard time grasping it, that is all."
"BFD X, Big Fucking Deal, you're fucking him and you're fucking me I don't want to be a boyfriend, I just want to be a friend and a lover. Your man wants the same thing. Enjoy yourself!"

I pretty much had the same conversation with Teacher. He told me he was proud of my current growth and exploration, and I told him thanks but I wasn't.

Part of me wonders if I'm just settling for this because I can't get one man to settle down with me.

There. I said it.

Then, there is when I'm in the moment, in the company of either man that I feel amazing and wonderful and all is well in the Universe. It is when I am home, alone, that I wonder what the hell am I doing.

I also know this is a fast moving comet and it is ready to crash to Earth.

Teacher has pointed out that if I remain in this lifestyle I will never be in a "normal" relationship. Mind you I've never been "normal" my entire life and sometimes it has been painful, and sometimes I've reveled in it. I've prided myself for being open-minded, but I guess sometimes I'm not as much as I want to think.

As I told Teacher tonight, I honestly want my cake and to eat it to. "Teacher, I can't lie, if I could and I'm not talking about D/s, but if I could, I'd have a leash on each one of you. You know, so that you two were only there for me."
"Male competition for you."
"Exactly"
"Well there is, but it is mostly under the radar."

So when Mark told me today that he had a date with some chick tonight I had to bite my tongue. If I'm supposedly in a poly situation, am I allowed to be jealous? Am I? I've been fucking jealous since day one when Teacher has been with his sorry excuse for another sub (he'd agree, she says she wants to be a sub, but never has been able to grasp it).

They don't call 'em growing PAINS for nothing. All I know is that if you'd told me six months ago I'd be having two lovers that were aware of one another I would have scoffed.

2 comments:

Curvaceous Dee said...

Dealing with poly and jealousy can always be a challenge, hon. Am really happy to chat or email if you want to bounce thoughts off one who's been there, though.

xx Dee

alancdavis said...

If you haven't found them already, there are several really good Poly-oriented sites and a well-thought-out FAQ.

One of the common threads thru Poly is that only the individuals involved in any relationship can make the rules for that relationship - there is no "right" or "wrong" way to set it up and nobody from the outside can tell you what you should do/feel/say/live.

http://www.polyamory.org/