Wipe Away Those Tears

Turmoil. My life has been in utter turmoil. I've had several things occur that rattled me to my core. I am on both on the edge of failure and the cusp of a fresh beginning. I had someone be unnecessarily cruel to me, lost something that meant a lot to me, and realized that it is utterly useless to attempt to fit my eccentric circle into the boring world of squares. I've tried in vain, but it only causes me pain, heartbreak, fucks with my self-esteem, and exasperates problems I already have.

I spent a good part of last weekend in hysterics, terrified, lost and mad at myself. Teacher, bless the man, proved once again to be good Dom. Someone who I honestly respect, who I can go to for advice, and yes, seek comfort. "Comfort from a Dom?" and outsider might question, but yes, it is possible.

"I am glad you called me first," he said as I wailed on the phone about the trauma. I once had a so-called boyfriend who ran the minute I needed him. So when Teacher didn't blow me off, or attempt to temper my tears by telling me "It'll be OK." I knew I was in good hands. That was on Friday.

Saturday morning, my soul only hurt worse, I woke up even more upset than I was the night before. Somehow through my hysterics and snot bubbles I was able to absorb much of his advice. I yearned for vengeance, he instructed me to let the powers of the universe do their job. That was not easy for me to grasp. It still isn't. Though, I know if it was a male who had hurt me so, he would have taken the vengeance into his own hands. I don't call him "Tough Guy" on a regular basis for nothing.

Somehow I muddled through my weekend obligations and found myself Sunday night in position waiting for him to unlock my door. It was a struggle to clear my brain. I rocked back and forth trying to relax. When I was almost at that point Teacher arrived.

I could see his cowboy boots even with my eyes turned downward. I felt 1000 times more vulnerable than ever. I was inside out. Raw. I heard him unzip his suitcase. Normally he escorts me to my room, so for him to get things going in the foyer threw me for a loop.

"Put your arms out and your forehead on the floor X," he commanded. I obeyed. He attached my wrist cuffs and clipped them together. A few moments passed and I felt soft strands glide up and down my body. I had no idea what he was using and he hadn't mentioned shopping. It felt so nice against my tense body. The softness beget gentle strikes that spread over my entire back. Oh how good it felt, as my back is where I carry my stress.

Immediately I started sobbing. It was not sobbing because of the pain, but from the release. Soon, he lifted me up. I felt into his chest and he hugged me but I could not hug back due to my wrists being restrained. "What was that?" He showed me this gorgeous handmade leather flogger he purchases from a local artisan. A wooden handle with long strands of both red suede and regular leather intermixed.

I try not to top from the bottom, but I requested that he flog my back some more. It felt so amazing and was exactly the therapy I had needed all weekend. He kindly did as such. As each strike of the leather hit my back and shoulders I was able to let go some of the toxic psychic waste that had built up over the last couple of days. Crying the entire time. I also fantasized about going to a Russian bath being scrubbed and beaten with birches.

When he stopped again, he held me tight. "I'm so proud of you X"
"I am proud of you."
"What for?" How could he proud of ME his fucked up sub who was on the road to ruin. I was utterly confused. "How could you Teacher. I am so weak."
"whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrow of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of adversity, and by opposing it thus prevail.":
"What is that from?" I, being a victim of Cliff's Notes.
"OK." I honestly was unable to absorb the meaning at the time and inquired today as to why he was proud of me. I don't think he'll mind me sharing. (If so, we'll know if I take this down)

I am proud of you for being able to kneel before me with sincere devotion when everything else in you wants to withdraw and breakdown. I am proud of you for having the faith in me to show you weaknesses, knowing that they will not cause me to think less of you. I am proud of you for acknowledging that your submission transcends your emotion and gives you strength to endure life outside of that. Yes, I am proud of you"

Things might be sucking for me, but this makes me realize at least on one level I am a lucky girl.


HisGirl said...

How fantastic. Amazing post girl. i have a post i've been a little chicken to put up, but now i guess i will. i 100% understand & know that things move in cycles & your turn will come round again.

chin up young lady!
-His girl

Slave2JS said...

You are a VERY lucky girl...what a beautiful post, and i hope things are better for you now.