Monday

Mindfuckery

Backwards. That is how I tend to learn. Or maybe it isn't backwards as much as grasping for the chunks of debris that are sprayed out of a tornado.

See, I am only now realizing that bondage does not have to involve ropes and restraints, but my head.

I have a terrible phobia of people dying on me. It is not a normal fear of people passign away, but something that I obsess over. Let's leave it as major abandonment issues.

So when I didn't hear from Teacher as I normally have for the last six months, my mind started to race. I couldn't contact him and I hadn't heard from him. I went on about my day, but he was always on my mind. I had a social enagement and proceeded to get loaded which only made things worse for this worry wort. All ended up being ok with Teacher, but I ended up feeling like a total jackass and babbled on to him drunk on the phone early in the morning. I was utterly ashamed that he had to hear me in that state. A lot of lessons were learned that evening that had nothing to do with my submission to Teacher, but his dissaproval of my idocacy ate me up inside until I saw him last night.


He already pointed out that I had realized on my own that I can't go back in time and live like I once did, but still I was expecting a major punishment even though I honestly didn't do anything inappropriate.

When he came over he had me join him under the blankets and held me. "You are where you need to be right now. With me." I confessed my stupid fear and how I would be devasted to lose him. I tried to supress crying. "You want me to cry don't you sicko," I teased him, "I hate that I am always crying around you."
"Your tears don't scare me X, they let me know that you are being honest about your feelings." Oh boy, there I went again to Kleenexville. When I still had streams of hot tears running down my face, he leaned in an kissed me oh so passionately. We paused and I presented my throat to him for a nibble, instead I got his hand around my throat. Perhaps that is what I really wanted
I gulped at the air.
I did want that.
"Feel yourself surrender X."
I did.
He let go of his grasp and kissed me again.

Then he fucked the hell out of me, but nary a tap, or spank, or slap. I was a bit confused when he left and I fell asleep. Still, I felt a whole lot better. For the love of God, this is the first person who has not run from my neurotic ways.

He explained it to me this morning.

.

... No, you didnt get spanked last night, no, you didnt get bound or blindfolded. Last you got what you needed more than anything: to be held tightly and treated with careful attention. You need to feel yourself close to me and realize that you are a part of me; to know that in my arms you are safe from the world, ...


I replied with a coy "You enjoy fucking with my head, dont' you. Even just a teensy bit."

He admitted as such, as it is part of my training.

I told him that is why I adore him. Even without him telling me what he thinks I need, he is so fucking right. If anything then and even now, I yearn to feel safe, to feel reigned in, that if I run even a bit out of control there will be a tug at the leash, and in my case it is a figurative one.

3 comments:

Devilbluedress said...

You are lucky to have him. Someone that understands you so well, and gives you what you truly need.

Everyone has their fears sweetie. Yours aren't that uncommon...

Naughty Girl said...

I love that! I think that is part of what turns me on so much to hand over that control and be submissive. I want someone else to know what I need (usually when I'm at a complete loss to decide) and simply give it to me whether that need is being held tight and kept safe or being spanked and punished. I want that. And I'm happy for you that you have it!

The Masochistic Coquette said...

Absolutely beautiful post.