50th Post-The Hardest One of Them All

This is my 50th post. This is going to be the hardest one for me to write so far. I was thinking earlier about one thing that I have not done since I headed down this path two months ago is seen my therapist. I have canceled numerous appointments.

See, I've battled with major depression and anxiety as far back as I can remember. I hit rock bottom mentally about two years ago, for lack of a better way of putting it, I had a nervous breakdown. Imagine not stopping crying for three weeks straight, imagine not leaving your bed for weeks. I found a very good psychologist and a cunt of a psychiatrist (she's greedy with pills) and thought I had accomplished a lot, but when the rawest ugliest secret in my life was revealed and ultimately confirmed by a family member, my life took a turn for the worse. To know that something that I thought was a figment of my imagination was true sent me into the fires of Hell. I abused my mind and liver, even lost my job. I had a death wish. Truly. But after a few scares, burned bridges, and interventions I took that opportunity to clean up my act a bit and I made big strides. I thought all was peachy keen, but I got lazy taking my meds because, well, I was "OK" and out of nowhere the evil beast of depression came knocking at my door. This time it was worse than ever. I was in a dark hole of despair and had even packed my bags thinking I might check myself in to the hospital because I felt so fucking lost. I wasn't ready to give up, but I didn't know where to go or what to do. I was dead inside. For those of you who have never had the misfortune of suffering from depression, it is beyond a case of the blues, it is this ugly physical feeling that just pulls you down like a strong magnet to the floor. It took a good two months for me to get back to a normal functioning level, I got back on track, and I am feeling pretty fucking great these days save for a few things-- one is out of my control, and one is.

SOOOoo, flash forward to me deciding to meet Teacher after a month of correspondence. I quit going. I quit because I was, and am scared of what she'll say to me. I'm afraid she'll say I was being unsafe by meeting Teacher online, much less our age difference. I'm afraid what she'll say about BDSM, and my submission. I'm afraid she'll bring up shit like the monster who took advantage of me as a child, or the other monsters who hurt me as a teenager and then as a young woman. I'm afraid she'll say some psychobabble about my loving, yet volatile relationship with my father, who was and is a very dominant force in my life. Oh and much, much more.

I am afraid she's going to make what I am loving, what I am enjoying, what Is finally making me happy, and the person I am deeply infatuated with and adore a yucky thing. I'm afraid I will be judged and be told what I am doing is a big fucking mistake, that I'm being reckless, that I'm just acting out yet another death wish.

I know I am not making any mistakes. I am confident that I am not, but I don't want to be analyzed for why I am doing what I am doing. To perhaps be deemed even more far gone for wanting to be tied up and fucked.

Thing is:

a)I am paying her and therefore it would be stupid for me to lie. I have lied to her before and I just felt like I had wasted my time.
b)I can't assume that I am OK, or that I will never have a depressive episode, because the odds are not in my favor, I came out of the factory missing a few parts of my brain.

I do know I need to find someone in my area who is open-minded. Don't get me wrong this particular shrink is not out to get me, but she has made a few judgement calls along the way. It is it just takes a long time to get to the meat of a person before you can progress. To start over brand spanking new can be harsh, and painful.

If any one reading this has had a similar issue, please leave me a comment or drop me a line.
Sorry to be Debbie Downer, but I'm just keepin' it real.



It's dark o'clock in the morning here now and I have to go to work but I will be back tonight to take the time to post a comment tonight.


Sub Nouveau said...

PRefrected, that is so sweet of you. BTW, I like that "Dark o'Clock"

I must note I something I omitted in my post, that everythign I have done and am doing is on my own accord, is consensual, etc. I am not a weak woman, quite the opposite. So far I have found my new found lifestyle to be quite cathartic and therapeutic, but I am realistic in that there are some demons that must be battled on the couch vs. the dungeon. That all said, I need to find a therapist with whom I feel comfortable dicussing my life with, vs. feeling like, well they are a judge.

Anonymous said...

If you're taking the time and effort to see a therapist, it makes sense to discuss this big part of you. Even if the therapist's reaction isn't one that makes you feel completely understood and validated, at least you'll be honoring a "part-of-you" that's begging for attention. Is it uncomfortable? Sure. Is there a possibility that you'll feel misjudged? Perhaps---but it sounds like something in you is crying out for attention and it behooves you to give it a shot. Sometimes the very act of making the private parts of us public--in a SAFE, confidential environment-- is an act of courgae that is enlivening.
I'm in therapy, I've struggled with depression and self-medication, and was unfotunatley, was sexually molested as a boy.
Why did I happen by your blog? I have an unshakable fascination with old-fashioned, over-the-knee, bare bottomed spanking. I'm still trying to learn how to live better with my "prediliction", my sexuality in general and along the way, my melancholic nature. You're not alone. Hang in there.


I cannot claim any credit for dark o'clock, I heard it from somebody from the US but I have been using it ever since.

This is the kind of thing where I have problems getting what is in my head to sound right when its in type so if this comment meanders a bit please excuse me.

Several years ago I was wrongly diagnosed (by a dick headed psychiatrist) with depression, which I did have but as a symptom and not the root cause and got all those different pills with different names that all ended in "pam" and then some more as each one stoped working and I went up a step. This landed me up seeing a psychologist who after a few sessions stoped the talk thing, she noticed something else was wrong, after she started with testing and sussed out that sleep deprevation was the cause not one of the symtoms. I feel greatful to my psycologist she saved me from years if not a lifetime of misdiagnosed misery. Which obviuosly is not the case for you it sounds like the depresion at the root in your case. But the CP thing came up with the psychologist, I had given up for a bit over three years at that time, which wasn't the only cause of the problem but was a big part of it and she actualy said as long as I was not getting any permanent physical damage from it that I should start doing it again because doing without it was seriously helping to fuck me up (though she did not use those actual words). This realy is not coming out here as it is in my head but I what I am trying to say is don't automaticaly presume that the doc is going to be against your life style, there I was thinking I was going to get a big smiley face and a tick for having given up CP, when I got told I was an idiot for doing that and she was right.

I think this was a brave post I know how easy it is for people to take a cheap shot when they find out you have had to spend time with the psyc's.


Karl said...

Bless you, angel. You're on a legitimate path that makes angels of demons. Press on. Nothing that's happened is who you are. Whatever brings you bliss, makes you safe, and can cut through the scars, to the beautiful girl, and her wounded heart, is right. Kudos to you.

Sub Nouveau said...

Everyone, I just want to thank you all for your kind words & honesty. It truly means a lot.

It was definitely cathartic to write this, and perhaps it is only natural to step back & evaluate everything as I progress & grow.


Kinky Aoefe said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog. I'm so glad you did. It helped me find yours. Very honest entry, I love your courage to be so open. I'll link you if it's all right with you.